Well, that was invigorating. I think we deserve a pint.
Aw, I could kill a pint. But they tell me I shouldn't, in my condition.
AWW! It's not funny. It's summat I've never been able to shake off.
Shake off what, man? Poverty. I'm skint.
He's one of the great all-rounders at being skint.
He can always find money for betting on horses. A bloke's gotta have money for that!
No, don't!
Aaah! Aaah!
Thirty pence change. And three packets of crisps.
I didn't know I had that many coins. It's a miracle.
Oh, really(!)
Must be a god after all - takin' care of poor people. You've been holding out.
Must've got caught in me lining.
How strange.
Every clown has a silver lining.
Think on't. This money should've been on a gee-gee in the 4.30.
It's doing much more good here. Simple Sarah. If she wins I shall be unbearable to live with.
You've always been unbearable.
Oh, dear! Are my eyeballs in the right place?
Behind your eyes. Seems reasonable.
Where would you want them to be? Where COULD they be?
I daren't think. Imagine having to undo your buttons when you wanted to read anything.
I meant are they stickin' out?
Are me eyeballs bulging?
And don't come back! If you want to gaze into each other's eyes, find yourselves a trendier pub.
You'll hear from my solicitor about this.
Not on lavender notepaper, I hope.
Will you stop leaping about behind those eyeballs!
Oh, it's humiliating. It's YOUR fault. I've a good mind to cancel your next games period.
And who was it who pushed my eyeballs out in the first place?
You two jerking me up and down like a yo-yo. That's not nice.
It wasn't too nice at our end, having to handle you by your wellies.
I had me eyes firmly closed. Tha were lucky tha could close 'em. Mine were like organ stops.
Stop exaggerating. I'm thinking, there's gonna be nearly £3.20 on that floor,
and two eyeballs.
Nearly? You call £3.27 nearly? He knew exactly how much he had in his pocket.
I could feel the world turning red. That's just an impression you get from watching Channel 4.
All right. Voices down. Hats on straight. Hands out of pockets.
Hey up! It's school time again. I hope I don't get the same inkwell.
I don't want that same inkwell. My nibs were always crossed. And it still shows.
Where did it all come from? All that gunge at the bottom of inkwells.
Unspeakable bits of schoolboy at the bottom of inkwells.
Why is he tidying me up, Norm? Maybe he likes a challenge.
We're in a very select neighbourhood. Oh, la-di-da. Keep your voice down.
Naughty boy!
He's got me by the throat, Norm. So I noticed.
I don't wish to lose the good impression of the widow lady who lives here.
Like that, is it? The old whoah-oh-oh! It's not like that at all.
Mrs Cornwall-Harris and I are drawn together by virtue of our similar social background.
Oh, she's on Social Security?
By heck, she's a big lass.
Remember there's a Cornwall, AND a Harris.
I wouldn't mind spendin' my summer holidays round here.
Is that her then? Mrs Cornish Pasty? Oh, come along.
If she sees us, I hope she thinks it's my week for teaching O levels to the poor.
That were a close thing. Well, he said they were close.
Oh, get a move on! Tha calls that "drawn together"? She didn't even nod.
The sun was in her eyes. I remember thinking distinctly... It's a pity, the sun's in her eyes.
Nora Batty!
You said you wanted a little job.
If you're looking for a vacancy as a guard dog, we haven't got one.
You made me jump. We don't want a kangaroo, either.
What were you doing? I think we've got ants. Quiet!
Don't start such wicked rumours. That's all we need...
some rumour that my catering premises are creeping with crawlies.
You've seen how I clean this place. It's like an operating theatre.
The only pests we get in here are customers.
Now, I want you to repeat after me, we do NOT have ants.
I could've sworn I saw one.
One ?! Good grief! Not exactly a biblical plague, is it?
I think it went under there. Are you giving it directions?
Why didn't you catch it?
They bite! Oh, it threw you down and started mauling you, did it?
You can get a very unsightly bite.
Hey up, Ivy, love! Aghhh!
Tha deo-deo-deodorant's a bit powerful, Ivy.
Hey up! I've seen that face before.
Get off, will ya! Go on!
Ooh! What's cooking?
COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING Oh, Ivy, it smells delicious.
Just forget everything!
And serve the customers.
What is this big secret, Nora? What has tha got to forget?
I'll never forget YOU, you cheeky monkey!
Then give us a kiss!
It's their affair if they have confidential business.
But if you wish to confide in some responsible person...
Hey, Seymour, your ears are starting to flap. Well...
I hate secrets. I feel guilty, even with other people's secrets.
That's what it is - confidential !
And it's going to stay that way.
I hope she doesn't think we were prying. Never crossed me mind.
I hate it when women stare at you like that. That expression can take years of wear off your cap.
I hate this green pullover she's knitted.
"You don't love me", she said, "if you won't wear that pullover."
And this morning I thought - I'll get up, have a leisurely breakfast,
and go and get me wheels balanced.
"You don't love me", she said, "if you won't take me to me mam's coffee morning."
"It's for a good cause," she said. "It's for a lifeboat."
I told her, "Glenda, I know it's for a good cause, but we don't need a lifeboat."
What?
I said she always... Can you pass us that chisel?
Definitely.
I don't want you goin' on about "You don't love me if you won't pass me that chisel."
What? Comin' up. One chisel.
Would you say you were happily married, Mr Pegden?
You'll have to ask Mrs Pegden. She makes them decisions.
When you're finished that, get them tables cleared. Right.
Hey, Nora, just a minute. Look at this.
Ohhh!
Right, now. Where were we before I was so rudely interrupted? Ah, right.
Tha dangles me upside down. Me eyeballs are stickin' out...
So how come, when I stand up, the blood doesn't rush to me feet?
Who would want to rush to YOUR feet?
Tha sees how it is, Norm. The professor has no idea.
Be fair. It was a small school.
The blood didn't rush to your feet because it was there already!
You mean, his wellies were full of blood(?)
Oh dear. Look, couldn't we talk about daffodils or curtain materials?
It was there already because, even when sitting, your feet are your lowest extremity.
And I say that with REAL feeling.
Walk up and down.
Up and down?
Just across the floor.
If his wellies squelch, I'll die.
Right.
What did you feel? Queasy.
What did you feel?
Nothing. Exactly! But if your head had been LOWER while you were sitting,
then when you stood up, the blood would rush to your feet.
It would? Certainly.
Norman...
I think that is a load of cobblers. There's a lot of it about.
You can take a degree in it.
I'll prove it to you. Up you get. Gerroff!
Stop squawking. It's only an experiment. That's how Frankenstein started.
Frankenstein? With a welly transplant?
Why are you puttin' my head to the floor? Wait till he's got your feet in the air.
Nora Batty! Aaagh!
You told them! No, I didn't.
You said to forget everything. I did.
Then why were they looking for ants?
What are you lookin' at me for? I'm holdin' me cup right, aren't I?
Just remember, we're on YOUR side.
Against who? I'm a housewife, not a wrestler.
Haven't been for years.
Sometimes it helps to talk about it to your friends. About what?
You can tell us all the nasty things about your husband.
If Barry was unfaithful to me...
Oh, that! You want me to talk about Howard. Is he still seeing Marina?
Only, of course, if you'd care to. No-one wishes to pry.
On the other hand, it could be a damn short coffee morning.
We wouldn't ask, but yours is the only unfaithful one. Are you sure? What about her?
It's just that I caught him not wearing his green pullover. She worries needlessly.
I keep reminding her how slow and uninteresting Barry is.
But suppose he gets faster?
You want plenty of fatty foods, love. Keep the plates full.
They practically lose the use of their lower limbs.
That is quite true. I tell you... You show me a slimmer,
and I'll show you someone who's nibbling between meals extra-maritally.
I feed Howard, yet he looks like a free gift from a cornflake packet.
Thyroid. If it's a ravenous thyroid there's nothing you can do.
We're not just being nosey, love. What we can't understand is why you let him get away.
You can't watch them every minute. That's it!
A casual attitude like that, no wonder he gets away.
You can't watch 'em every minute. You don't have to admit it.
If you play your cards right, love, they come to believe you CAN watch them every minute.
You pay attention to Mrs Batty. You won't find this in a book. Mother, it's only one book!
Most newlyweds get themselves a book. It wants burning.
I've never seen such pictures. They're only suggestions. They're not compulsory.
I should hope not!
I thought I played me cards right. We started marriage with a book.
Mind you, there weren't any pictures in them days. Except one showing a fertilised egg.
Which should be enough for anybody.
It were for me. I've never eaten one since.
They'd never manage these days, with a picture of a fertilised egg.
Wartime when I was married. You had a job to find an egg.
I remember when they used to stamp a little lion on it. Whatever for?
To prove it was British.
I know when you were a lad you could stand on your head for hours.
Look what it's done for you. This way you'll be more comfortable. I don't like it.
You're perfectly safe. And it's just an experiment.
Why do we have to experiment? Because that's the way human beings are.
Always pushing restlessly at the frontiers of knowledge.
You spend a little time upside down and then when you stand up you'll find out...
whether the blood rushes to your feet.
I'm getting teed off with the frontiers of knowledge. You look like a rocket to me.
Don't let him light your blue touch paper.
It's just like being on a stretcher.
Oh, I wish he hadn't said stretcher. Don't YOU wish that?
Get ready to pull.
Pull!
Hey up! Help!
You're right. I wish he hadn't mentioned stretcher.
What are you doin', you great nit? Oh!
There now. Isn't that easier than trying to stand on your head?
It's easier for thee! I don't know.
This is the gratitude I get. Never a word of thanks.
Hey up!
Say thank you, nicely, to Seymour then.
You stupid, great nit!
Rene Micklethwaite saw her in No 14 in a lay-by on the way to Huddersfield.
Just sitting there behind the wheel, smoking a fag like it was necessary.
There's no good comes out of a lay-by on the way to Huddersfield.
Doesn't she wear boots up to her knees? Up to no good.
There's a lovely pair in the Co-op window. You're not wearing them boots.
Barry likes them. It's time Barry learned to like what he's told to like.
I don't know how she finds time to park in lay-bys.
Have you seen her curtains? How they DARE go to Majorca with curtains in that condition...!
DOORBELL Who the dickens is that?
It's Mrs Cornwall-Harris.
Calling socially? Oh, how naice!
It's a great social leveller is the laife boat.
I hope the neighbours are watching.
FAINT SOUNDS OF CONVERSATION
She was enquiring about our Seymour.
He mixes terribly well with the upper classes, our Seymour.
Tie it firmly, man. We don't want any more slip ups. Slip downs, tha mean, you great pillock.
Right on me head. It was lucky you broke your fall with your head. That's true, Norm.
I knew I should have done it myself. I told thee often enough.
But we ought to share the more interesting jobs. Is that a proper knot?
Proper knot or not, that's it. Just check it, will you, Clegg?
I hate responsibility. Just give it a tug.
I've got the wrong blood group for responsibility.
Now, if you'll allow me to show you how simple this little experiment will be,
using the Utterthwaite double support harness. Right.
This is heavy!
It's your own fault. This is the easy job.
You dozy backward lot!
After all this, I bet there's a queue at the Post Office.
Get on with it.
Help! Get me down!
I say!
You there! You two chaps! Come along.
That's a right foghorn of a voice, missus. I suppose you ARE the ones?
The odd job men. I saw your employer person - Utherthwaite.
Said I could borrow you two. Oh, did he?
I must say, I was expecting something more "hearts-of-oak" etc. Where is your employer?
Well, he's hanging around.
Why don't you come back later? He's tied up right now.
I shan't keep him a minute. Where is he?
Well, he's...er...
Good Lord!
Utterthwaite! Mrs Cornwall-Harris.
What are you doing, man? I can explain.
Have you sought medical attention? It's just an experiment.
Give it up before it's too late.
He should see someone urgently. That's what we keep tellin' him, missus.
Tell Mrs Cornwall-Harris my secretary will give her a tinkle.
Secretary? Since when has he had a secretary?
Only since the blood started rushing to his head. Get me down...please!
Subtitles by Wilma Campbell BBC 1988